Other Stuff

HELP STAMP OUT BPS

WHO WANTS TO BE A #1 BESTSELLING AUTHOR?

So you say it has been your lifelong ambition to be an aspiring writer, but it just doesn’t seem to be working out the way you thought it would? GASP! How could that be?

Did you fix yourself up with a quiet secluded writer’s hideaway complete with the obligatory desk of varying degrees of forced austerity? Or did you opt for a land yacht of a rolltop desk like I did?


:C) <— Is first time land yachtsman, long time fan.

Did you set aside a specific amount of time in every day during which you anticipated writing down 10,000 words? What about all of the other obligatory and impressive writing goals, do you have them all in a row? Pens, pencils, envelopes, stamps, paper, Post-It notepads, White Out, stapler, staple remover, red editing pens, paper clips aplenty? Do you have those too? Are they all neatly arranged in a tidy configuration? Got staples in that stapler?

What about a typewriter? Do you have a manual typewriter just in case the power goes out suddenly and you have to go primitive? Or if you just feel like writing your Great American Novel old school style? Is your PC and/or laptop charged up and humming away?

The kids are at school? The dog is sound asleep and the cat is wherever? Is the ringer on the phone turned off? Does the front door have a Do Not Disturb sign on the knob? Have you dusted your bust of Edgar Allan Poe and/or Shakespeare?

You have your obligatory mug of mud-like coffee and now you are ready to write like a champ.

But then you open up a shiny new Word Document and spend what seems like the rest of your life looking blankly at a blank white page?

What ever, you ask yourself, shall I do? You go on (Insert favorite social media tag(s) here),and you commiserate with your other aspiring writer friends and you all agree on how hard it is to write a novel. Whodathunkit you ask one another.

It very well could be the paper that’s to blame. After all, it does seem to be contagious and heading towards a full blown pandemic of epidemic proportions. I could be mistaken but from where I sit it does seem to be catching.

Being the ever socially conscientious humanitarian I always hoped I would be I feel that I should take this opportunity to rise to the forefront in the crusade against the spread of Blank Page Syndrome. Better we do it now before the whole thing gets way out of hand, pandemonium reigns and everything goes straight to hell in an alliterative handbasket.

Then nobody’s happy, and the next thing you know it’s chaos in every internet cafe in the world, Twitter is all aflitter and aflutter with #fliterature about the pitfalls, perils and tribulations of #writing. lions start lying down with lambs, kittens lead elephants around, and all kinds of other stuff happens. #EEK!

I am here now to tell you that it is not as bad as you thought it’s actually far worse than you can imagine. Hidden largely from human consciousness is the silent but not actually deadly syndrome, BPS or Blank Page Syndrome.

There are two count them –>2, sure fire ways of combating Blank Page Syndrome. The first of those is a real corker. It requires absolutely no skill or prior experience as writer. In fact you don’t even have to be capable of reading or writing. No judgement here. Let’s say you are simply lazy, undisciplined, and easily distracted from the task at hand .

Don’t be ashamed if you are, in fact you should be happy if you are because that means you actually do have the makings of a bestselling novelist within you. But let’s face reality. The way it sounds to me you are not very likely to ever write that first page much less the first chapter. Look at all of the things arrayed against you. Desk, paper, PC, etc. Daunting proposal is it not?

So if you have the desire, $30,000 to invest and are willing to dedicate your time and money to make your own dream come true then boy oh boy have I got a deal for you.

Today and today only from 7 a.m this morning until midnight. On the 31st of December of an upcoming year that is, you can purchase B.B. Wolfe Publishing’s Instant Author package and your future as a bestselling author is all but guaranteed. Why is it not fully guaranteed? Because its measure of success is entirely in your hands.

If you act now operators are standing around somewhere but I will be more than happy to process your order for you and set you on the road to success.

For the low low sum of only $30,000 US dollars you get your choice of full-length novel manuscripts that allows one to choose from either 1 of 2 progressively horrific horror stories, 1 Western, or 1 Historic romantic comedy adventure novel. 1 Fantasy series starter kit. Or you can upgrade to a double Sci-Fi novel that consists of two count them two science fiction manuscripts for the rock-bottom introductory price of only $45,000 USD.

With your check, and the selected manuscript in their proper places, you will be coached along through the entire process of editing, proofing and, publishing, and well versed in marketing it for electronic, paper, and audiobook application’s.

Full 100% support is assured.

By the time your novel hits the bookshelves and readers come flocking to read it from miles around you will be ready to give the people what they want. If what they want is another novel out of you.

Oops.

We still have that little problem with BPS don’t we? Nope. Not anymore we don’t. Why, you ask? How, you ask? I’m so glad you asked. I’ll tell you how and why.

With this exclusive deluxe bestseller bargain box you also get a second or perhaps even third novel (If that is you opt for the Sci-Fi double package) because your money also gets you free lessons in how to write that great American novel you have locked up inside but simply cannot seem to unlock with an ink pen and a blank piece of paper. Which as we now know is caused by BPS. Or as it was once known. Writer’s block.

Act now and we will throw in absolutely free of charge our handy dandy cure for writer’s block at no additional charge.

You will approach your next novel with the confidence of a seasoned and trained professional writer of novels and a veritable force of nature.

It kinda gives you goosebumps just thinking about it doesn’t it? I know I have them aplenty just from thinking about the little spit of beach that money will buy me in Bora Bora where I can set up a hammock, mailbox, and fishing pole in the shade of a coconut grove.

Or.

You can stay tuned to this blog for further instructions on how to properly plan and execute a novel or short story writing project with the confidence that comes from knowing that you cannot possibly fail to succeed unless you really put your mind to it. Or fail to.

In the days to come we will explore together what it takes to turn those nasty blank pages into works of art by design rather than by leaving it to chance. Which is obviously not working out for many of you aspiring writers out there from looks of things.

I’m sure many people reading this are bound to ask themselves, who is this upstart who claims to know so much about writing that he makes such wild claims? I’m the upstart who is never at a loss for words. Not only that I am the dubiously proud discoverer of this dreaded syndrome. Therefor I feel somewhat responsible enough to share the cure as a public service.

These are the conclusions of my own ongoing research based upon personal observation; to whit the prevalence of aspiring writers joining Twitter, LinkedIn, Fubar, Inklyte, and other places where aspiring and non-aspiring writers alike can be found writing about the futility of writing.

Blank Page Syndrome is an age old dilemma that has daunted even seasoned writers ever since the blank slate was invented in Greece so long ago. Writer’s block.

Makes perfect sense now doesn’t it?

You just know that 50 centuries ago some aspiring Egyptian scribe was once sitting there in his specially arranged scribe spot with a chisel in one hand and a mallet in the other thinking to himself, “Damn damn damn damn damn damn it damn!” as they sat staring blankly at a blank block of sandstone wishing it would write something for them. The other scribes made chiseling look so easy and yet there they set. A billion thoughts and not a single word to express them with.

Thus from such humble beginnings the nefarious disease Blank Page Syndrome was born and the world of the written word would never be the same again.

It didn’t work then and it won’t work now either but the fact remains that since the dawn of time mankind has sought to write their original thoughts down on something. Something permanent to be passed down through the ages from generation to generation. And now you wish to join the ranks of those misguided souls who write as well but you cannot get past that first blank page.

First free lesson. You either are or you are not a writer. Period. There is no place for inbetweens or those who aspire. You can aspire to be a published author if you wish or you can aspire to be any number other things in this life but aspiration is a sure fire method for torpedoing one’s own aspirations is to concede the possibility of failure to them. You either are or you are not a writer and that is that.

What is a writer? It’s simple. Any person who expresses themselves with words. Every writer is unique each one has their own story that nobody else can tell. That story is a work in progress just like any you will begin on paper, pixel, or stone. You are its main character. If you cannot imagine adventures for yourself then no, you are not cut out to be a fiction writer, but that leaves a vast number of non-fiction subjects wide open for one to write about and offer to the reading public for consideration.

A writer is a teller of tales both real and tall. Some writers, like James A. Michener, can weave fiction and non-fiction together beautifully. Nobody else is going to be the next Sidney Sheldon or Danielle Steele, Stephen King, or whomever. Nor can they be you. Get used to it.

Above all else, be yourself.

Charles Ramos Jr.

Categories: Other Stuff, Uncategorized

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